If Only
by Handy-for-the-bus
Summary: Mr Bates is staying after all. Set in S1, Ep1.


**Disclaimer:** Downton Abbey and its characters belong to Julian Fellowes.

There she was, alone in the servant's hall sewing one of Lady Edith's dresses while thinking of him. Since the night before when she'd learned that he was leaving due to the unkindness of everyone, her thoughts had been repeatedly invaded by him. And after taking him that tray of food, more as a desperate act to connect with him and tell him what she really felt than just normal cordiality, she spent the whole night dreaming of him. Honestly, she couldn't remember what exactly she dreamed of but she knew that it had been exhausting and nerve-racking. His kind smile, and his constant helpfulness were never far from her thoughts. Anna couldn't stop thinking about that reserved man that only spoke when needed and when asked for.

Yes, she was sad. She felt helpless. Somehow in the short time he had been there she had fallen for him. For his gentlemanly manners, and for his ever so tall and charming figure walking around the endless corridors with the usual sound of his cane hitting the floor. She was used to him and she already missed all that.

Sighing desperately she stopped what she was doing and folded her arms madly, tears threatening to fall. She would never see him again, and all this due to some nonsense. He could perfectly do his job, and often he would help her making some beds and with some clothes and shoes, and he was always friendly to everyone. Why was the world so cruel to those who were good? She sighed again and this time a tear escaped and slid down to stop on her chin. Bringing her hand to her face she dried the wet path off her cheek….when suddenly the sound of cold wood hitting the floor made her jump.

She froze for a few seconds before turning around in her chair to face his kind eyes that were burning into her.

'Mr Bates?!' She looked down and saw his luggage. 'I thought you had left already.' Standing abruptly and drying the rest of her tears away she faced him with a smile.

'I'm sorry if I scared you, it wasn't my intention.'

'Not at all, Mr Bates. Actually, I'm glad you are here. We didn't have the chance to say goodbye, properly. I wanted to catch you before you left and I was here thinking that...I was too late.' She fidgeted nervously.

'Well, you were late.'

'I...I don't understand... you are here.' She smiled.

'And we don't have to say goodbye.' His face brightened up at his own words, and his smile was wide.

'We don't?'

'I'm not going after all. His Lordship changed his mind at the last second. I'm staying. For good now.'

Anna gasped and she felt a wave of emotion traveling through her body. The first thing that came to her mind was that she so wanted to hug him close to her and never let go, but surely she couldn't do that. Instead she gave him a teary smile. 'I'm ever so glad you're staying Mr Bates. It would be most unfair if you had gone for good.'

'I'm glad I'm staying as well….for many reasons, but mostly for you.'

'For me?' She felt her heartbeat quicken.

He coughed nervously. 'Yes. It is hard to find someone as good as you in this world, and it's a gift to have you as a friend. I'm glad I can stay...with you...working...working with you.'

Anna understood everything he said but she knew that he couldn't say more, and seeing him struggle with his words was enough to tell her how he felt for now. She tried to lighten up the mood.

'Do you want a cup of tea?.'

'I would love that.'

They sat down together, drank their tea while sharing cautious glances between each other, and when Lady Mary's bell rang Anna ran up the stairs with a new life about her. A feeling of extreme happiness that she knew wouldn't be gone anytime soon.

Minutes later, in his room, John changed to his valet uniform. Slowly, he folded all his clothes back in the drawers, where he hoped they wouldn't be leaving from soon. He was emotionally exhausted but he was glad that he was staying. He needed this job, a place to stay, and…he sighed...her. When he looked to the mirror he saw that he was still smiling. The same smile he gave her every time he saw her. If only she knew that she was the cause of his happiness. The one he would miss the most. The one he needed above all others, and the one who usually kept him awake at night. This feeling was old and new at the same time. He knew it was love, but he had never loved this way before. He had fallen for her, and everything was still so new and fresh and dreamy, but he knew he was lost to her and he would always be. The sight of her sitting alone in the servant's hall...teary, sad. When he saw her there he prayed to the God he didn't believe that all that was for him, and now he was sure it was. He had no right to ask for that, nor the right to dream of her, but he couldn't help it and honestly, he didn't want to. He had lived all his life looking for something, but not knowing what it was, and then on a night when he was feeling like his life was over she'd called his name and handed him the tray, and he knew he'd found that something. Anna. The only thing he wanted but surely would never have. The only thing he needed but didn't deserve. The one who had turned his mere existence into living; who turned his shadow into a man.

If only she could be his... one day. If only.


End file.
